Im at strip club and am horny
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
