normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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