im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
