Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Still dying that you shit outside
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
