My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
