Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
then he tried to convert me to islam
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
how does that bad decision feel?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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