I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
