dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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