Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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