I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
