This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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