I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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