Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Boobs are out for the taking
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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