In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
