I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
