i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
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21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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