The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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