I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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