If that was your dad, he is hot
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
