My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
