Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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