The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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