Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
They are going to name an STD after you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
