OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
