i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
