are you still at the devil's house?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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