Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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