i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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