i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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