You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
