Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
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There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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