Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
