Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
