Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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