Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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