went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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