I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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