rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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