I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
