Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We are two peas in an std pod
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
