she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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