They should really pass out barf bags in church
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
