come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
