Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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