I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
