I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
