Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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