There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
