Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
