I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
