just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
