I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
