My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
