he wants to bone in the snuggie
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
not ubering you a puppy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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