I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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