I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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