My Higher Power is John Stamos
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
