One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
