did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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