I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Boobs speak an international language.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
