my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Are we still banned from the library?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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