The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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