seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
soo... how was my night?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
